Palimpsest

I witnessed a child, wronged
inside a temple and vowed
i wouldn't enter one
its sanctity, polluted for me
to a point of no return

the horror that child
must have gone through
contained there
conflicted hard and battered
my image of a temple

of stone walls dimly lit,
of facing light, bowing down
eyes shut, to keep in and not keep out
silences where voices are heard
assuring you that you are safe

I shut down, impotent, helpless
hugged my young child
and cried each night

I cursed myself
for having brought her
into this messy coccoon,
laced with pervading, engulfing
nightmarish possibilities

I lived and quietened a million what ifs
I wanted to forget that face
I wanted to unsee and unremember everything

Recently i took my child
with her grandparents
to a temple

It didn't feel traumatic, 
Enough time had passed,
enough for a mute observer
on Facebook pages
not having to clean up and deal
with the mess later
not getting daily reminders
of horrors from the past

A new patch stitched over old clothes
As fresh memories cover older ones
into gentle oblivion

accepting
not negating, not normalising
only, very selfishly
finding my peace.

16.12.2019

Published in Cafe Dissensus Everyday blog in April 2020

https://cafedissensusblog.com/2020/04/07/three-poems-by-pooja-ugrani/

Also published in The Kali Project: Invoking the Goddess Within / Indian Women’s Voices on 08/01/2021 by Indie Blu(e) publishers